


Coping with insanity

by YGJK97



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: M/M, Oliver/Connor are mentioned, Rebecca/Wes also mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-17
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 12:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2467745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YGJK97/pseuds/YGJK97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor can't forget the murder, Wes (sort-of) finds a solutions. </p>
<p>*Yeah, summary might not completely click with the story but it's the best I have*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coping with insanity

**Author's Note:**

> So just saw the new Ep. Although I wasn't too surprised to learn   
> *SPOILER*  
> that Sam was on the girl's phone? I mean seriously, but what I'm really creeped out about is Bonnie's obsession with Sam- I mean, girl you need to move on or something.

It starts with the dreams, he assumes it's caused both guilt and fear, but it doesn't change the cold sweat he gets when he sits up. It doesn't change the way his breath hitches to the point where he fears he died for just a second, it doesn't change the fact that his body practically hyperventilates on its own without him. 

And maybe that's the problem, nothing changes. It's been a week since the murder, and any normal (but arguably insane) person should be relieved that cops aren't knocking at their door. No, that never happens, instead Connor finds himself on a daily basis staring at the wall with an intensity he never knew he possessed. 

Nothing happens, there's no knock at his door, there's no interviews or confrontations, there's no whispers or accusing stares- there's only silence and forced smiles that can only symbol naiveness. And that scares Connor more then getting caught. 

How can everything be so normal? How can Laurel still smile and be her normal awkwardly social self? How can Michaela still curl around Aiden and not burst into tears the way that she had during the day of the murder? How can Wes still walk around with his head held high without not even a grimace of visible guilt? Connor doesn't (can't) understand; and it drives him nearly insane. 

Which is how Connor finds himself stumbling outside, drunk off his ass, trying to cope in some unhealthy way because obviously he can't do it. He can't be a murderer and not have remorse, he can't suddenly forget that he killed someone and smile on as if life was all rainbows and sunshine. 

He has no one to go to, he couldn't even manage to tell Oliver through the burst of his tears, the reason being is because he would've dragged down the poor unsuspecting and innocent man he came to care for. He didn't want that, not for something that Connor could've stopped. 

For a moment though, outside in the cold where his breath comes out as white smoke and his body is trembling from it while his face is practically a tomato red, he hopes that alcohol coursing through his body kills him. Free's himself from the guilt and the insanity that swirls through him 24/7. 

He wants salvation, but he knows he won't get it. 

"Connor?" He hears a voice, a very familiar voice, call out to him hesitantly with a bit of worry coursing through the tone. Turning his head to acknowledge the person, through hazy brown filled eyes he could make out two people; one being wait list, the other being someone he currently despised and blamed for his current predicament. 

"I'll talk to you later Rebecca" he heard Wes whisper in her ear, and he turned his face around not wanting to see their display of affection that made his stomach churn and the urge to vomit being further encouraged by the alcohol. He didn't know how long he stood, staring at the bar from across the street as his mind raced with all the possibilities to just end his current problems. 

"Connor…" Wes suddenly whispered in his ear, and with a sudden focus he met Wes's eyes and he knew that he looked slightly crazy. With bags under his eyes and his cheeks a bit more sunken in from the lack of food, he looked like shit- he didn't look like Connor Walsh, but then again Connor Walsh died the day he laid down on the floor and looked into the eyes of a dead man. 

"Lets go" Wes continued grasping onto Connor's elbow and tugging him along. Connor couldn't resist the flinch though, it's been too long since he had contact with someone else, the warmth he was receiving from his elbow just made him feel even more  
sicker- he didn't deserve warmth. 

It took them less then 30 minutes to get to Connor's place and when they got there Connor was more sober then he was before. But being sober only brought back the memories, the sound of a skull cracking, the sound of a body hitting the floor with full force, the sound of breaking bone on a repeated basis- the smell of rotting and burnt flesh. 

A whimper spilled from his lips pathetically and when he finally got inside his apartment he practically collapsed to the floor, luckily Wes managed to catch him. But instead of forcing him to stand up Wes sunk down with him and held on tightly as Connor cried for the second time. 

"I killed someone!" Connor sobbed, Wes didn't reply obviously knowing that Connor needed to let it all out "I killed someone and everything's back to normal" suddenly Connor pulled back, his heart racing against his ribcage as he mumbled to Wes "and that's not ok" Wes stood quiet, but Connor didn't want silence, he wanted answers or a reply, something to confirm that he (and the 'gang') were still humans. 

"And that's not ok" Connor repeated again, his voice stronger as he pulled back further while his black hair spilled over his eyes, obscuring part of his view. "And that's not ok- it never was ok" Wes finally confessed, and staring at him Connor finally noticed that Wes looked just as messed up as he did, Wes was struggling with it as much as he was. 

"Wes…" he whispered as his hand clutched onto his jacket, he moved closer then before, trying to find that comfort he tried to find with Oliver but couldn't because he didn't want to hurt the man further. But if someone knew everything like he did, if someone was struggling as much as he was- shouldn't that make it right to go to that person for understanding? 

"I'm not gay…" Wes breathed against his lips and Connor met his eyes, both deep chocolate brown eyes staring at each other, searching the other for something and when they found whatever comforting thing that could sate them, they leaned forward and connected their lips on a mutual agreement. 

No, everything was not ok, everything wasn't suddenly back to normal, they didn't suddenly not kill someone. Everything was far from ok, but for the moment there was some way to cope with it, some way to acknowledge without tearing themselves apart. And that's what Connor and Wes found in each other- a way to cope with insanity.

**Author's Note:**

> The reason I wrote this was because Connor's meltdown was actually very fascinating, considering his character is made to be the strong type, he and Michaela were the first to break. 
> 
> Well I hope you enjoyed, kudos or comments or anything else is appericated. 
> 
> Ps: 10 points extra for the ep. for Franks jealousy~


End file.
